On Friday, September 15, 2016, students at the University of Pittsburgh gave a list of demands to the university’s Chancellor, Patrick Gallagher. While much of the Pitt student body has seen the list of demands handed to Chancellor Gallagher, we at the Unsafe Place have retrieved a list of several other demands that students were preparing to share with the chancellor, but ultimately decided to withhold.
Below is the list which never made it to the chancellor’s desk:
- That all grades under a “C” be expunged from academic records to protect students from being unfairly discriminated against for investing the majority of their time in resistance activism.
- That, to ensure the economic well being of students pursuing degrees in fields deemed unuseful by the corrupt capitalist establishment, the University guarantee future employment and a living wage to all students.
- That, for the purposes of ensuring basic quality of life, the University accept that internet access, smartphones, cars, and marijuana are basic human rights that must be provided to all students at no cost.
- That the university establish a paramilitary diversity patrol to ensure that all classes, clubs, social events, and parties be sufficiently diverse.
- That the paramilitary diversity patrol be heavily armed to ensure proper protection against the threat of fascist scum.
- That, in order to protect the rights of animals and ensure nutritious diets, all campus eating locations serve only soylent green-based foods.
- That, to protect students from unnecessary trauma, President Trump be referred to only as “it.”
- That, to ensure appropriate tolerance and acceptance, and to protect against the influence of reactionary, anti-progressive elements in the student body, all new students be members of the Green, Democratic, Social-Democratic, or Communist Parties.
- That, in order for students to feel safe against the ever-present threat of meaningful Republican legislation, a 30-foot statue of Ruth Bader Ginsburg be erected in front of the Cathedral of Learning.
- That, to protect students adhering to non-Western or secular religious values from the imposition of Western religious terms and symbols, the name “Cathedral” of Learning be changed to the “Tower of Progressive Social Change.”
- That, as part of the resistance against our illegitimate president, who must be referred to as “it,” Hillary Clinton be recognized by the University as the rightful President. Anyone who says the name of the current “president” will immediately be suspended from the university barring a full investigation of this heinous crime.
- That, to ensure fairness in elections, all campus polling locations be operated and monitored by the paramilitary diversity patrol.
- That university police be required to spend a minimum of 20 hours a week attending lectures that will reinforce in them the importance of solving cases of extreme violence with words and mutual understanding.
- That all meetings by reactionary organizations, the status of which will be determined by the diversity patrol, be limited to a maximum attendance of 10 students, and that those meetings be extensively monitored.
- That representatives of the diversity patrol be present in every class to guard against reactionary, anti-progressive, or unhelpful opinions.
- That representatives of the diversity patrol be present at all campus administration meetings to offer guidance and perspective.
- That those representatives be allowed to bring their self-defense tools into these meetings.